Sunshine for the soul

I truly believe that nature is a cure-all. Sometimes all it takes is getting outside for a quick walk and you instantly feel your mood improve. One thing I must say from eating more throughout the day, is that I’m feeling more of a desire, and have more energy to want to get outside and be active. Today the sun was shining and it was a gorgeous morning so I made the decision to go on a hike up one of the mountains by my apartment. The mountain was packed with people! I couldn’t believe it. I was honestly astounded by the amount of smiling faces I saw. Everyone just looked so… serene. I get so wrapped up in my own head, that sometimes I forget that I’m not the only one trying to get by in life. There’s so many people with so many different stories and backgrounds. A bit of a weird thought I guess haha, but something I thought about as I saw all the different faces. After so much isolation this past year, I’d almost forgotten how nice it is to just be surrounded by people.  I’m proud of myself for getting out, without having to have someone push me to do it.

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Afterwards I came home and I could feel that I was really hungry. In fact, I slowly think that I’m starting to regain a sense of my hunger cues. I made myself a big bowl of sweet potato & lentil soup and took the time to sit and enjoy. Seems like nothing special, but the idea of sitting and doing nothing but eating is such a novelty to me. I’m so used to eating in secret, while being distracted by the TV or the computer. It’s insane how much better the food tastes when you really focus your attention on it, and how you feel eating it.

image4This is a great and easy recipe by the way. One that I will be posting eventually once I get the recipes component of this blog up and running 🙂

Tonight I am going to dinner at my aunt’s. Another thing I would’ve avoided in the past.. but something I’m forcing myself to do tonight. Weirdly enough, I’m actually looking forward to it.

Get out and get some sun today!

xx Liv

“Sometimes you need to step outside, get some air, and remind yourself of who you are and where you want to be.”

Doctor’s Appts and Meal Prep

Well I wanted to start this post by saying – today marks 1 WEEK binge/purge free. May not seem like a lot… but that’s the longest I’ve gone in a forever it seems. Quite proud about this 🙂 

So the other day I had a doctor’s appointment and I finally opened up to my family doctor. I had never before told him about my eating issues. It was hard, but another step forward. I think we always expect the worst from people, but so far I haven’t received that response from anyone in my life. My doctor was beyond understanding and keen on joining the team to get me healthy. Right away starting to call some psychiatrists that specialize in EDs.

I also had to go for some blood tests and an ECG (heart test) the next day.

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Fun times… but just another step forward in getting healthy I guess.

So I’m finding the hardest thing to be eating when I’m alone. When I’m at home with my parents I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with them. I watch them, and when they eat, I eat. I feel like I don’t really understand my hunger cues, so it’s easier to have someone else to base them off of.

However, when I’m alone – all I want to do is starve myself. The idea of eating when I don’t feel hungry (ex. breakfast) is so hard. Also, I find it EXTREMELY hard to eat and/or prepare food around other people. I feel safe with my parents, but when my roommates are in the kitchen I’d prefer to just stay in my room and not eat.

That all being said, the only thing saving me is having prepared meals. Whenever I go home, my parents and I make big batches of meals and I take them back to my place in individual containers – planning out what I’m going to have each day. It takes some of the decisions and panic away which is what I know I need right now.

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You can’t go wrong with making a big healthy salad like this one 🙂

xx Liv

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

-Maria Robinson

Triggering Thoughts

Last night was really hard. You don’t realize how normal it is in our society to talk about weight and bodies until you try to stop thinking about it…

After work I got together with the boy I’m seeing, who brought me sushi & wine. It was a super sweet gesture. I ate and enjoyed the sushi. Usually when we have dinner together I eat a few pieces here and there but never really let myself just eat as much as I want, enjoying the food. It was a little freeing to be honest. That being said, afterwards I felt super bloated and terrible about myself – a feeling that happens anytime I feel ‘full’.

We came back to my place and watched a movie and the boy went on to tell me about the weight he lost when he was sick the past couple weeks, and how much weight he’s lost since the summer. He was super proud of this. I wanted to be happy for him, but all I could this was ‘he must think I’m so fat now in comparison’, and ‘I have to lose weight too in order to look thin beside him’. He even told me his actual weight, which to my dismay was lower than mine. Nothing was more triggering than this moment. It was like a million tiny implosions going off in my head. Immediately I wanted to send him home so I could 1. binge or 2. purge the sushi we’d ate. It took everything in me to just change the subject and continue watching the movie with him. It took even more to stay strong after he left. It was many hours of me lying in bed hugging my pillow repeating to myself over and over that it would be okay.

Now I am about an inch taller than him, so it does make sense I may be heavier… that being said, I know my body is heavier than it’s ‘set point’ right now. My mom and I were talking the other day and I have no idea what my true set point weight-wise is, as I’ve never given myself the opportunity to find out. Constantly pressuring my body through phases of gain and loss.

I guess the point of this post was.. triggering thoughts are going to come and go. To be able to actually SIT with them is a huge feat. It’s easy to fall apart and allow the thoughts to take over, but just because that’s the easier option does not mean it is the right one.

Baby steps.

xx Liv

“Never believe for a second that your weak, within all of us we have a reserve of inner hidden strength,”
Victoria Addino

First Post

Where to even begin?

I guess I should just write about where my life is at right now. I have had an eating disorder for about 10 years now. For as long as I remember I have never had a healthy relationship with food. That being said, this past year was when I knew I had hit rock bottom. My ED was out of control, I was isolating and alienating myself from everyone who cared about me, and I felt like I had completely lost my way. I struggled to see purpose or a point in being here. My depression was in full string and I battled with suicidal ideation. I felt like things would never get better.

I had never spoken about my ED to anyone besides doctors and therapists, and the idea of telling this secret to someone close to me was terrifying. However, that choice was sort of forced on me as I became caught in a lie and my parents found out. I had no choice but to tell them everything that had been going on. Whereas I expected anger or disgust, my parents only responded to me with love. An amount of love and worry that was so overwhelming. The past few days we have been able to talk about things on a level that I never thought I’d be able to before. It’s raw and scary, and involved a lot of tears, but slowly I can feel myself being able to open up.

It’s not like I have never tried to recover in the past. I usually do well for a little while, before falling off the wagon again. It seemed like an endless process of doing better, failing, giving up, trying again. I never fully BELIEVED I would recover to be honest. To me, my eating disorder will always be there. I think this will be the hardest concept for me to break. That being said, I have never had the support of people who love me helping me through this. This has always been my secret to burden alone and now I feel like there are others shouldering it with me. I want to get better for them and I think I’m finally ready to do it.

It’s going to be hard and it’s going to be a long process. Sometimes I find myself wanting so badly to crawl back into my shell. Before this was happening I was isolating in my room, hiding from everyone. Bingeing and purging constantly in order to not think or feel any emotions. That was my safety zone.

It’s now time to take a step out of my safety zone and see what happens…

xx Liv

“Do not wait; the time will never be ‘just right’. Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.”

-Napolean Hill