Today was Monday and almost a new month. I woke up with a desire to ‘start fresh’ and get my recovery rolling. I make a smoothie, feel like I ate too much, then the next thing I know, the smoothie has turned into a muffin, three pieces of toast, and two bowls of rice slathered in butter.
“It happened so fast, I couldn’t stop it”
That’s what i say to myself every time. Turning my ED into this outside force that MAKES me shove the food into my mouth. I’m helpless against him…
However, this is not true. It wasn’t Ed that made me eat those things. It was me, Olivia. I made the choice to have the muffin, and toast the bread, and eat the rice. No one else. I am not powerless against this.
I wish I could say I was. It’s so easier to blame some outside force for your problems then to take them on yourself. But that won’t help anyone trying to recover. I recently read the book ‘Goodbye ED, Hello Me’ by Jenni Schaefer, and one thing that stuck with me from that book is how after a binge it is important do the NEXT RIGHT THING. Now after spending my ‘fresh start’ morning bingeing and purging the last thing I want to do is eat more today – but I know I need to. The next right thing in this situation is to go on with my day. So here I am. I will blog my feelings out, drink my tea, then eat lunch when I get hungry.
It’s terrifying, but recovery is all about taking back the power that you gave away with your eating disorder. No longer can I blame ED for making choices, I need to make them for myself.
“In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.”
– Abraham Maslow