Started today with some oatmeal in bed. It was so hard to resist the urge to not eat breakfast. I felt so bloated and sick and gross this morning, and every part of me responds to that feeling with thinking ‘don’t eat’ and ‘undo the damage’. That being said, I ate, it didn’t turn into a binge, and I kept it down. Maybe a tiny milestone but in my mind this is a big step. I think I’ve finally turned the switch in my head. I KNOW that I need to recover, and I know that to do that I can no longer try to lose weight. I need to give up my obsession with my weight and my body, and instead focus solely on getting myself healthy. It won’t be easy by any means… but in the end this will be worth it.
After breakfast I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. My family doctor had called him and got me in for an ‘urgent appointment’. My psychiatrist is such a nice man and I can tell he truly wants to help me. At the end of my appointment we agreed I should go back on my antidepressants. Fluoxetine (prozac) to be exact. This drug is researched in the treatment of bulimia, and so he thinks it’ll only add to my recovery, along with therapy and all the steps I’m taking on my own. As much as I wanted to do this without meds – I agree that this is for the best. I will keep my experience with the higher dose of prozac documented on this blog as well (or try my best to).
So today is all about getting myself back on track. I know there’s not much food in the house so at some point today I’m going to have to go and pick up some things from the grocery store. For snacks, I will have an apple, pickled asparagus and lots of tea. For lunch I’ll probably grab something like a salad from the grocery store, and for dinner I’ll make a chicken stir-fry.
“There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn’t matter anymore.”
-Laurie Halse Anderson