So these past couple days have been hard. So goddamn hard. I’ve had a couple slip ups and it’s so upsetting – it makes me feel like I’ll never actually recover. How many times have I done this? Tried to recover, eat ‘normally’, only to fall back into old ways and get even sicker than ever.
That being said… I know I haven’t been being totally honest in trying to get myself better. I find still when I’m on my own I go back to eating less. Things like eating breakfast seem so hard and pointless for me. Yet when I get too hungry… I binge. It’s just a fact and has been proven by me time and time again.
My other triggers these past couple days:
- Feeling so gross (weight-wise). I don’t even want to leave the house or my room or be seen by anyone. Canceling plans and falling back into my old ways of avoiding.
- Stomach pain and bloating. Not to mention other digestive issues…
- Loneliness and sadness.
I told my parents about one of my slip ups and I could hear how disappointed they were. It broke my heart. I should be trying harder to get better for them. I know I should. A part of me thinks that I should just move home so they can watch me 24/7. Yet, that isn’t really recovering… I need to learn to do this on my own. I’m just not too sure I can to be honest.
So what are my plans to bounce back from this slip up?
- Absolutely NO more skipping of meals. None at all.
- Call my parents WHENEVER I feel the urge. This is the hardest one for me… it’s hard to admit I need help. And it’s awkward, uncomfortable and embarrassing. I need to do it though.
- No booze or caffeine. Both of these are too tied hand in hand with my ED. I need to let these crutches go, and the only way I can do that is going cold turkey.
- NO purging after a binge. Purging gives me an excuse to binge (‘oh it’s okay, I can just get it out’). Hopefully once I stop the purging, the bingeing will also come in time.
- Try to get outside for a walk at least once a day. I know exercise and sunshine makes me feel better.
- Find a counselor in my home town.
I’m going to move forward. I won’t let this stop me from getting better. I absolutely cannot let it.
“You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down”
– Mary Pickford