Slip ups

So these past couple days have been hard. So goddamn hard. I’ve had a couple slip ups and it’s so upsetting – it makes me feel like I’ll never actually recover. How many times have I done this? Tried to recover, eat ‘normally’, only to fall back into old ways and get even sicker than ever.

That being said… I know I haven’t been being totally honest in trying to get myself better. I find still when I’m on my own I go back to eating less. Things like eating breakfast seem so hard and pointless for me. Yet when I get too hungry… I binge. It’s just a fact and has been proven by me time and time again.

My other triggers these past couple days:

  • Feeling so gross (weight-wise). I don’t even want to leave the house or my room or be seen by anyone. Canceling plans and falling back into my old ways of avoiding.
  • Stomach pain and bloating. Not to mention other digestive issues…
  • Loneliness and sadness.

I told my parents about one of my slip ups and I could hear how disappointed they were. It broke my heart. I should be trying harder to get better for them. I know I should. A part of me thinks that I should just move home so they can watch me 24/7. Yet, that isn’t really recovering… I need to learn to do this on my own. I’m just not too sure I can to be honest.

So what are my plans to bounce back from this slip up?

  1. Absolutely NO more skipping of meals. None at all.
  2. Call my parents WHENEVER I feel the urge. This is the hardest one for me… it’s hard to admit I need help. And it’s awkward, uncomfortable and embarrassing. I need to do it though.
  3. No booze or caffeine. Both of these are too tied hand in hand with my ED. I need to let these crutches go, and the only way I can do that is going cold turkey.
  4. NO purging after a binge. Purging gives me an excuse to binge (‘oh it’s okay, I can just get it out’). Hopefully once I stop the purging, the bingeing will also come in time.
  5. Try to get outside for a walk at least once a day. I know exercise and sunshine makes me feel better.
  6. Find a counselor in my home town.

I’m going to move forward. I won’t let this stop me from getting better. I absolutely cannot let it.

xx Liv

“You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down”

– Mary Pickford

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