Last night was really hard. You don’t realize how normal it is in our society to talk about weight and bodies until you try to stop thinking about it…
After work I got together with the boy I’m seeing, who brought me sushi & wine. It was a super sweet gesture. I ate and enjoyed the sushi. Usually when we have dinner together I eat a few pieces here and there but never really let myself just eat as much as I want, enjoying the food. It was a little freeing to be honest. That being said, afterwards I felt super bloated and terrible about myself – a feeling that happens anytime I feel ‘full’.
We came back to my place and watched a movie and the boy went on to tell me about the weight he lost when he was sick the past couple weeks, and how much weight he’s lost since the summer. He was super proud of this. I wanted to be happy for him, but all I could this was ‘he must think I’m so fat now in comparison’, and ‘I have to lose weight too in order to look thin beside him’. He even told me his actual weight, which to my dismay was lower than mine. Nothing was more triggering than this moment. It was like a million tiny implosions going off in my head. Immediately I wanted to send him home so I could 1. binge or 2. purge the sushi we’d ate. It took everything in me to just change the subject and continue watching the movie with him. It took even more to stay strong after he left. It was many hours of me lying in bed hugging my pillow repeating to myself over and over that it would be okay.
Now I am about an inch taller than him, so it does make sense I may be heavier… that being said, I know my body is heavier than it’s ‘set point’ right now. My mom and I were talking the other day and I have no idea what my true set point weight-wise is, as I’ve never given myself the opportunity to find out. Constantly pressuring my body through phases of gain and loss.
I guess the point of this post was.. triggering thoughts are going to come and go. To be able to actually SIT with them is a huge feat. It’s easy to fall apart and allow the thoughts to take over, but just because that’s the easier option does not mean it is the right one.
“Never believe for a second that your weak, within all of us we have a reserve of inner hidden strength,”
― Victoria Addino