Where to even begin?
I guess I should just write about where my life is at right now. I have had an eating disorder for about 10 years now. For as long as I remember I have never had a healthy relationship with food. That being said, this past year was when I knew I had hit rock bottom. My ED was out of control, I was isolating and alienating myself from everyone who cared about me, and I felt like I had completely lost my way. I struggled to see purpose or a point in being here. My depression was in full string and I battled with suicidal ideation. I felt like things would never get better.
I had never spoken about my ED to anyone besides doctors and therapists, and the idea of telling this secret to someone close to me was terrifying. However, that choice was sort of forced on me as I became caught in a lie and my parents found out. I had no choice but to tell them everything that had been going on. Whereas I expected anger or disgust, my parents only responded to me with love. An amount of love and worry that was so overwhelming. The past few days we have been able to talk about things on a level that I never thought I’d be able to before. It’s raw and scary, and involved a lot of tears, but slowly I can feel myself being able to open up.
It’s not like I have never tried to recover in the past. I usually do well for a little while, before falling off the wagon again. It seemed like an endless process of doing better, failing, giving up, trying again. I never fully BELIEVED I would recover to be honest. To me, my eating disorder will always be there. I think this will be the hardest concept for me to break. That being said, I have never had the support of people who love me helping me through this. This has always been my secret to burden alone and now I feel like there are others shouldering it with me. I want to get better for them and I think I’m finally ready to do it.
It’s going to be hard and it’s going to be a long process. Sometimes I find myself wanting so badly to crawl back into my shell. Before this was happening I was isolating in my room, hiding from everyone. Bingeing and purging constantly in order to not think or feel any emotions. That was my safety zone.
It’s now time to take a step out of my safety zone and see what happens…
“Do not wait; the time will never be ‘just right’. Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.”